Dreams Becoming Reality - Reflections on One Year of Esoteric Equestrian

One year ago, I sat on the fresh shavings besides Karl in his shelter, fighting the urge to question every decision I had made.

The days before and after Karl’s departure from our safe and tranquil home at Narnia Stables in Ashford, Connecticut are blurry. In my daze, I left a bag of laundry and a few other random pieces of my life in the camper - Meg and Luther tucked them away in the closet and they waited for me to come back.

How selfish am I? Who do I think I am, to start out on my own so early? There is so much more I could have stayed to learn and absorb, why did I have to take such a big jump? Wouldn’t Karl have been happier there, with Meg and the new friends he’d made?

Soft grinding of the orchard/alfalfa blend between Karl’s teeth soothed my aching mind and racing thoughts. He had traveled 28 hours on 3 different trailers to be here in Odessa, Florida with me. New horses, new people, new soil and smells and sights and sounds all because I wanted to. I felt guilty, like I only gave him a voice when it was convenient for me.

How did he feel about this change? Did he even want to be here? Would he have stayed if he could?

Over the next few weeks, I watched Karl light up faces, young and old. I tried to make a name for myself.

It turned out I wasn’t able to start teaching at the barn I moved Karl into, so I started freelancing. I met people who only owned horses of one particular color; people who wanted cheap and quick fixes; people who stopped contact after a few seemingly good sessions; people who belittled my philosophies, painted false pictures, put the horse last while they claimed to do the opposite and instilled a deep understanding in me of the dire need for change in the horse community as a whole. But this was the world I had voluntarily walked into intent on carving a spot out for myself, so I knew complaining and giving up was out of the question. Still, I was not making enough money to sustain myself, so I found a part-time job at Tractor Supply. I lasted all of two months selling credit cards up at the register and going nowhere with Esoteric Equestrian. The thoughts persisted.

Maybe I should just move us back up to Connecticut. We could go back to Narnia for a while, I could go back to my barista job, we’ve still got opportunities up there.

It became clear I would need some serious financial help in order to rent a property and start my business, which seemed like the only viable route at this point. We looked at lots of properties within an hour of Tampa, and nothing worked out. I conceded to the voice in my head that I’d fought since I was a teenager that told me to go the normal route, assimilate into the workforce and get a “real job”. I began the process of interviewing for jobs in sales, entry level marketing, and whatever I could find with my Animal Science degree.

Look at the big picture - a few years of your life is not a long time. Find Karl a place closer to home where you don’t need to work off board. This is a sacrifice you need to make. In a few years, you’ll have enough money to rent your own place and start the business how you want.

It felt like I was selling out, but I knew this was the only real way to make my dreams come true.

A few days after an interview for a sales position that required a 60-hour-week commitment, I connected with a new client in Ruskin. This was just after Thanksgiving.

Then, I came across a posting about an assistant instructor position in St. Pete, and I got the job. I got another client in Dade City, and another in Hudson. Soon after, another in St. Pete, then another and another. The big girl job search was over.

By January 2023, Esoteric Equestrian had taken off and I was bringing in enough income to sustain myself.

I had come close to a small property down the road from my new instructor position, but it fell through in the final moments and I had to relocate Karl fast. So I brought him temporarily to where I was teaching - my boss did me a favor because she was already over capacity - and continued the property search.

It was in February when I came across the add on Facebook for a 10 acre property with a house, barn, and all the amenities I wanted. But it was in Ocala, and it was way beyond my budget. So, naturally, I went to visit.

During my first two years of college at the University of Tampa, I had gone to shows at Kimberden in Ocala with the UT Equestrian Team. We stayed in hotels and ate at chain restaurants, but we never explored the surrounding area or visited any other farms. I’ve never been to Kentucky - the closest I had come to this type of horse country was the road in Odessa that we boarded on when we moved down to Florida in June, which was 5 minutes from the Tampa Bay Downs racetrack.

On my way to visit the elusive Facebook property, I drove across rolling hills, fields of cows that expand beyond the horizon, miles of pasture with mares and foals, racetracks and vast estates and backyard farms that make up the greater Ocala area. I could feel my heart pushing my lungs against my ribs, beating harder as we got closer. Five minutes, two minutes, one minute, I slowed and turned into the driveway, it came up quite fast but it was clearly defined on the map. It’s funny looking back, because everyone seems to have trouble finding it, the map doesn’t clearly define our driveway versus the neighbors. But on that day, it couldn’t have been clearer.

As soon as I stepped onto the land, I knew this was it, I had found our home. I remember the drive back.

This is crazy. You simply can’t afford it. Do you deserve it?

Maybe that’s the wrong question. What could you do with it? If you could get there, what would you do? Lots of professional competitive riders have relationships and connections with “Owners” who buy the horse they compete on and provide financial assistance. Imagine the positive change you could bring to the horse community with something like that. Instead of an owner to buy the $100,000 horse, I’d be looking for someone who could help me secure this property as the environment to bring Esoteric Equestrian to life, to bring horse healing to humans, to create a community.

I watched and read online material on business plans, small businesses and start-up companies for a few days after the visit. When I finally began constructing the business plan, I knew I’d need some help. Meg and Luther seemed hesitant and didn’t hold back in their advice and suggestions (as I’d hoped), but I could feel their support and love emanating through my small phone screen when we sat down to go over the draft. I forgot to include bedding for the horses in my plan. Somehow, it felt even more immature than leaving a bag of laundry on their farm, but I tried not to be too hard on myself.

It is a sensitive subject in some respects, and for that reason I won’t say too much about it. After a few more weeks and drafts of my plan, I laid all my dreams out on the table to a member of my family who excitedly agreed to take the leap and support me in this endeavor. The gratitude I feel to my family for their unwavering support and love which has enabled me to pursue my dreams is something I do not have words for. In every action I take for Esoteric Equestrian, every morning feeding, every lesson I teach and every horse I train, I make it my mission to embody that gratitude, to move with grace in its honor.

We were able to give ourselves and the horses a month to adapt to the whirlwind of change. We moved out of the city and into the country with three horses in April and grew that number to seven by the end of May. Everybody, horses and humans, were new to each other and new to this place, and we’re still settling into it all. But since the first day we moved in, an overwhelming sense of safety, peace and understanding enveloped the little sliver of heaven we inhabit in Ocala, Florida and continues to reassure us that we are all meant to be right where we are.

The thoughts stay with me, and I’m learning to allow them to move through me without giving them energy.

You’re bound to fail. How could you have been so naïve to think you could have succeeded with your plan?

You are moving with grace, you are giving these horses an amazing opportunity and providing priceless experiences to the community. You were born to do this.

You belong here. You are enough.

So I continue to live my dream with gratitude in my heart and hope for the horse community in my spirit. This has been one year of Esoteric Equestrian, and it is just the beginning.